Mama’s Trattoria Terrazza – Romilly Street Soho

Scene                  : Kitchen of Mama’s Restaurant

Present               : Mama, Tone in kitchen. Raymond, Gigi in restaurant

Background       : Raymond and Gigi are meeting for first time in years. Mama and Tone are plotting revenge on Raymond.

 

Mama : Tone, Antonioni ! It brings me such joy to see you again !

Tone : (hugging mama) It’s been a long time. How I’ve missed you sis ! But those days back in Sicily- sometime they seem like only yesterday ! What did Papa use to say

Mama : Don’t preach ?

Tone : No !

Mama : Something about meatballs ?

Tone : No not that...he use to say we were like two peas in a pod, you and me.  Inseparable.

Mama : But that falling out, and problems with the inheritance…

Tone : Let’s not talk about that.

Mama : So many wasted years of not talking. And we both live in Soho ! What a waste ! It came between us bet let’s move on. We have a common enemy, you know that ?

Tone : I think the whole of Soho has a common enemy – that bastardo ! I can hardly bring myself to say his name !

Mama : Raymond the Rat ! I hate that man ! You know he wants to double the rent on this place (spits) Hate, hate, hate that bastado

Tone : You’re right Bastardo ! Barstardo !

Mama : Bastardo ! Bas….enough, my heart is racing (whispers) I have a plan.

Tone : (admiringly) You were always the clever one Mama ! What is the plan.

Mama : We need to teach him a lesson – he cannot mess with us – we are the Ioni’s – how dare he. He cannot get in the way of Mama and Anton Ioni Ioni….how many was it.

Tone: Never mind….what’s the plan

(Wayne and Elsie had agreed to meet up at a pub in Romilly Street to constrict a joined up plan to tackle the Raymomd. Soon after ordering their first drink, they notice reporters gathering outside Mama’s restaurant opposite the Pub. The reporters had heard that Gigi was in the vicinity. Intrigued, they spotted Gigi and Raymond at a table by the window. They bluffed their way in and bribed the waiter to get a nearby table)

Wayne : Right Elsie – We’re American – we can beat these stupid Brits at their own game !

Elsie : Too right, Wayne. I’ve gotta get that gig for Elvis at the Coliseum.  Raymond needs to be taught a lesson – what a schmutz thinking he can get a million dollars out of the king – that’s just robbery.

Wayne : Yep – he’s a fool if he thinks he can get away with that. And I know he’s angling to take over my UK Burger joints ! What a schmutz !

Elsie : Yeah – what a Schmutz !

Wayne : He is king of the Schmutzes !

Elsie : You know, I could have the King – Elvis stole it all from me.

Wayne : Enough already – stop going on about it. He shot me in the eye ! I need to get my revenge

Elsie : Will you stop going on about your eye !

Wayne : We need to get to his table and give him some good ol’ American muscle – you twist his arm and I’ll threaten to gouge his eye out !

Elsie : But you don’t like blood !

Wayne : Oh yeah. That’s right ! Urm… I’ll threaten to break his fingers…

 

(Back in the kitchen, Mama and Tone look through the serving hatch and see Raymond and Gigi sitting at the window table)

Mama : That bastardo booked a table earlier today. (points through hatch). See him there – he’s with Gigi. Poor girl – what does she see in that man ?

Tone : Bastardo !

Mama : He’s ordered my famous diavolo nduja pizza. He is teasing me. He’s telling me he can take any heat I throw at him – well let’s make it hot ! But let’s also surprise him with some ‘dreamy’ mushrooms.

Tone : You don’t mean….

Mama : Dried to perfection on the slopes of our beloved Palermo, crushed between pester and mortar. To be sprinkled liberally on the Bastardo’s pizza ! He is expected warmth – but he won’t be expecting an out-of-body experience !

Tone : (mad laughter) Hahahahahah….Bastardo !

Mama : (mad laugher) Hahahahaha…Bastardo !

(Mama sprinkles liberally the finely crushed mushroom on top of the pizza but a dust cloud of the ‘herb’ fills the kitchen.

Tone and Mama together : bastardo ! cough cough…..cough….basta…..cough

(At the table Raymond and Gigi are looking into each other’s eyes)

Raymond : Gigi, as adorable as ever ! I’m so glad you accepted my invitation

Gigi : (impassive) I was intrigued ! What do you want Ray ?

Raymond : Oh come, come dear girl. I want nothing from you.

Gigi : You always want something – you had my heart, briefly. But you were careless. You’re a fool ! A clever and conniving one, I’ll grant you that but you don’t really know what you want !

Raymond : (menacingly)  Oh but I do, you see.

Gigi : Well what is it ? Come on quick. Let’s get this meal over with as soon as possible !

Raymond : Well, you see, it’s more about what you want – in a manner of speaking.

Gigi : I want nothing from you ! You’re a cad of the first order. A rat !

Raymond : It seems the world awaits your next play – what is it now – Goodbye to Soho – intriguing interview the other evening – made me think about what you might be writing.

Gigi : You’ll have to wait, just like the rest of the world.

Raymond : Well, that’s where you’re wrong my sweetheart. I’ve read it – and to be frank – I really think it could do with a bit of a rework.

Gigi : Impossible – there is only one manuscript and it is in my hotel.

Raymond : You’re hotel ? The Covent Garden Suite ? I think you’ll find it’s actually my hotel.

Gigi : (aghast) You wouldn’t, you couldn’t !

Raymond : very accommodating chamber maid – well I pay her waged of course and I don’t tell the police about her out-of-date visa

Gigi : You absolute stinker !

Raymand : Calm down my sweetheart. You’re manuscript is safe with me. That is, if you are willing to make a few adjustments. You see, I’m not sure I like the portrayal of me. A character you seem to have called Raymondo might be misconstrued. Some may draw comparisons between your Raymondo and yours truly. So, just need a bit of editing, which I am pleased to do, and you can have it back.

(Just then there are wild whoops from an adjacent table as Raymond’s pizza has been delivered to Wayne and Elsie)

Wayne : Elsie – you really are Elvis you right all along….but why have you got pink hair ?

Elsie : And you have two heads – when did you grow the other one ?

Wayne : I feel queezy !

Elsie : So do I !

(back in the kitchen, the mushroom dust has also got the better on the two Italians)

Mama : Oh no ! That useless Aberto ! What has he done ! Alberto – wrong table !!!

Tone : (holding his hand in the air) Why did you paint your kitchen purple and orange.

Mama : Why are my pizzas running out of the door. Come back, get in the oven ! You naughty pizzas.

Tone : you need to put them on leashes and take them for a walk – they’re bored.

Mama : My Lasagne Florintine – why are you crying – no don’t run away !

Tone : Too late, you can’t stop food with eight legs – it is far to swift

 

(Police arrive along with the paparazzi. Within a week the famous restaurant has been closed on the bases of health and safety issues)