The 2i’s Coffee Bar – 59 Old Compton Street Soho

 

Scene                  : Basement of the famous 2i’s Coffee Bar

Present               : Dingo, Scandi, Ray

Background       : The Bootles have just completed a photoshoot, co-ordinated by Scandi in the coffee bar above

 

Dingo :  Inhale, hold it….then breath out

Scandi : Inhale…..coughs like crazy

Dingo : Not cool Scandi ! Not cool !

Scandi : I’m choking to death here ! Where’s the fun in this ?

{Ray walks down steps into basement}

Ray : Oh hello ! You youngsters enjoying yourselves I see ?

Dingo : Yes, we’re just dandy ! (laughs) Thank you mister for enquiring as to our wellbeing. (mimicking Raymond’s posh accent…) I would have to say that everything is top-notch, super, absolutely bloody marvellous

Ray : (more seruiously) Glad to hear it. It’s just that I was alerted by my manager of this club that an acrid smoke was emanating from my basement

Scandi : You own this joint ?

Ray : Well I own this joint and it appear young lady that you own that joint – so to speak (laughs at own joke). {Scandia and Dingo swap glances). I am Raymond, proprietor of the 2i’s Coffee bar, and a few other by the way. Happy to make your acquaintance.

Dingo : (more conciliatory tone adopted now he knows) Well, thank you mister for letting me and my mates use your establishment for the photoshoot earlier today.

Ray : No problem, young man, no problem at all. Good publicity for my coffee bar as well of course. Happy to help the famous Bootles. If I might just say so, your tunes are frightfully catch. That one, how’s it go…’yeah, yeah, yeah !’ Very good indeed. Little bit sloppy I suppose…Pity you couldn’t say ‘Yes, Yes. Yes’. But never mind.

Scandi : Well Mr Raymond, do you partake of the ‘aromatic tobacco ?’ You’re welcome to have a puff.

Ray : No, I do not young lady. Never ventured beyond the occasional cheroot. I like to keep my head clear, you see. And of course, it is quite illegal…

Scandi : Wait a minute, is that one of those new-fangled cassette recorders hanging out  of your pockets ?

Ray : (dispassionately) Indeed it is. I find it useful to carry it around with me in my interactions with the criminal classes. I have found it invaluable, time and time again when relying on it in court.

Dingo : (the haze clearing from his head) ‘Ere, wait a minute mister. Who are you calling the criminal classes.

Ray : Well I think that pretty obvious from where I’m standing. You are, unless both my visual and olfactory functions have completely given up the ghost, you’re both inhaling the root of the ganga…and that is indeed, breaking the law.

Scandi : (concerned) So what are you going to do with the tape ?

Ray : (pondering) Well, as I own 51% of The Bootles, I’m unlikely to jeopardise my investment whilst My Richard Dark remains the drummer.

Dingo : the name is Dingo by the way and I’ve just realised you’re the southern bastard who tried to get me kicked out of the band.

Ray : It still sounds like a good idea to me, not least as I’m sure your adoring fans might be somewhat less adoring if they knew you were a drug addict ! By the way, what exactly is your name..I have heard that you use to hand around with nefarious gangsters at the docks – apparently they call you Ding-the-Blade. Anyway, I like to keep my options open…which brings me to the issue regarding you, young lady. I would hate to see you spiral into a web of crime and debauchery which is the inevitable consequence of drug taking. I would be saving your honour, in a way, if I were to report you now. However, I will hold back to see how things….turn out !

 

The Investigation Begins

Payne : We may have had the occasional run in with Raymond -  But why would any of us want to bump him off ?

Payne : The police have some information they wish me to divulge. (silence). Thus far they have determined the following facts. Raymond was covered in blood, which is his own. He has a small wound in his left side. He also appears to have an extreme red and purple bruise on his stomach – as if he has been kicked. His face is a deep shade of crimson and his eyes – disturbing this – his one remaining eye has a permanent look of surprise !

 

Payne : And now we will each be called down to the Pantry, one-by-one, where the police will interview us. Dear God, what desperate misery has been visited upon us all this evening. Oh woeful, woeful day.....

 

(one by one, the guests are called down to the Pantry...….)

 

The Guests Reconvene in the Dining Hall

(As the guests return to the Dining hall, their glasses are filled with vintage claret and, as they imbibe, the background subdued murmur starts to rise in volume until the hall is filled with conversation. Payne returns to the room with a list in his hands and slightly worse for wear, having glugged several glasses of his excellent reds. He goes to sit at the head of the table but almost misses his chair. His Burgundy slops around the wide bowl of his glass and a few drops spill onto the white tablecloth. He clears his voice to make a pronouncement.)

 

Payne : Oh the trauma ! The trauma ! Let us drown our dreadful sorrows ! (he looks down at the long piece of paper in his hand) The police have asked me to reveal some facts to you all in the hope that maybe, in so doing, your memories may be jogged in some way. (the room falls silent once again).

 

 

Payne: Following the initial interviews with each of you, the police can confirm the following the following items which were about your persons

 

Elsie

A business letter from Raymond confirming that he alone will be the entrepreneur hosting the Elvis show at the Coliseum and that he is in direct discussions with Elvis

 

Wayne

A picture of Raymond with his eye cut out

 

Mama

A sachet marked ‘Hotter than Hell’

 

Dingo

A comb with a very sharp edge which you could give yourself a nasty nick with

 

Gigi

A small bottle of perfume called Deadly Nightshade

 

Scandi

A small tin of fish from Sweden with the word Red on it

 

Georgie Le Bon

A rusty pistol

 

Queen Jenny

A birth certificate

 

Payne

A manuscript from three years earlier (1963) with the title ‘Goodbye to Soho’

 

 

 

Payne : May the Lord have mercy upon us all ! Any one of you might have killed the poor chap !